Sensory Overload

Chinese Proverb: If I am a Prince and you are a Prince, who will lead the donkeys

As I was getting ready in front of the mirror this morning, I thought...China really agrees with me. That coupled with the fact that three of the four lightbulbs have now burned out in our master bathroom. For a second I actually thought I looked like Demi Moore circa 1980. I am hoping that the last glimmer of light will hold out until our departure, otherwise I will be putting on my makeup while a hold up a lighter flame. I can hear Freebird playing now.

Well, fall is officially here! I know this because of the crisp air, the candy dipped apples and peanuts for sale on the corner and because my naked neighbor is wearing clothes. Not clothes, exactly but silk pjs.  I first noticed this two weeks back during my mother's visit.  I was strangely excited to have someone other than myself bear witness to the bare ass out my window.  Not that Shawn isn't a supportive participant in my voyeurism but over the course of weeks I have noticed that his step has begun to lack a little zip when I call him to the window each night as I shout out what color thong our neighbor is wearing.  So, with my mom's visit...Thelma finally had her Louise.  As I beckoned my mother to the window...I couldn't believe it.  Naked guy's wife decided to do some fall cleaning and hung all of their blankets and comforters in front of the window to dry.  Couldn't see a thing except his eyes and his toes for three days.  When the linens finally dried and came down.....alas, fall was here and naked guy was in his jammies!

The apartment is a mess... the mop has proven trickier to use than I had initially thought. Things have not worked out with the homeless guy, in fact, I haven't seen him in about three weeks. My mother....the bleeding heart, gave him so much money during her visit here, I think he got a flat on the upper East side!

With the arrival of the cool weather we were finally able to open the windows a bit........for one day anyway.  Last weekend, we were abruptly awaken by an awful smell and a smoke filled apartment.  Smoke detectors apparently have not gained popularity here yet.  Holy Crap!  The baby was crying and Shawn was running around looking out the windows only to find smoke billowing from the windows of the apartment below us.  OMG, I thought....maybe they are still asleep.  Shawn threw on some clothes and ran down to the front of our building where guards, albiet 16 year olds wearing sharp navy blue uniforms with white gloves, stand watch 24 hours a day.  As I watched out the window I noticed that the guards didn't look particularly concerned as Shawn tried to explain using the ten Chinese words that he knows in combination with charades that there was an inferno burning just above.  While I never underestimate the language barrier, I did think that copius black smoke was a universal sign for PANICK! Meanwhile, I began my evacuation plan. First concern, obviously, the baby!  Second concern, obviously, the other babies....that would be the plenthera of coach bags I have purchased here! Shawn returned and we watched out the window waiting for something to happen....a fire engine, an alarm, kabuki dancers...something! Well, nothing did happen and eventually the smoked subsided and we went about our day. When we told our English speaking friend about what happened she nodded knowingly and told us that our neighbors were burning hoisan vinegar to "smoke out the germs" in their apartment.  Who the hell fumigates with salad dressing?? They almost killed us. Christ haven't they ever heard of Lysol!

Speaking of stink....apparently the worst was yet to come.  And, I was quite unsuspecting because it happened at a fine dining establishment.  We were out to lunch at a very nice restuarant recently with some of Shawn's collegues.  We had just ordered when I noticed a smell that I would describe as donkey wearing jean nate and cow manure.  I looked over at Shawn whos face clearly read that he smelled it too.  So then he says quietly to me...."is that you"? Sure Shawn, thats what two showers a day, papaya vanilla shampoo and calvin klein spritz smells like. What did he think that I got out of the car and rolled in a pile of shit! No..its not me I said! What is it? I think its the waitress, Shawn responded.  It was getting worse, I am talking atomic stink and I was beginning to think I was going to have to leave the restaurant before I got sick. Just then Shawn's collegue Jennie says..."can you smell that".  Uh huh.... I nodded slightly. I didn't want to overdue my disgust because I didn't know what kind of explanation was coming. Its a good thing too, because as it turns out it was lunch. A specially prepared delicacy called "chou doutu" that translates to "Stinky Tofu" in English.  They let the tofu marinate in fermented milk for months and then stir fry it tableside to really accentuate the funk.  Jenny says it was the Emperor's favorite dish.  How nice..... he apparently saved us some!

What I saw

Real Estate Investment
 

Below the 2nd Floop

Frisky baked goods

 I didnt know I needed this until I saw it

Self explanatory


Recycling Program

My Chi is Off

Chinese Proverb: What you cannot avoid, welcome.

It is true. I had to let the ayi go. Rather, I had someone who speaks Chinese call and let her go. Apparently, the ayi hadn't seen Donald Trump's show, the Apprentice, and didn't know what it meant when someone points an imaginary gun finger at you and utters "you're fired"! I know what you're thinking....its because she grabbed my boob. Wrong! I could have worked around that...in fact welcomed it, but last week she crossed the line. I found the ayi wearing my slippers. Now, the hand up my blouse is one thing, the funky ass toes in my slippers is quite another. I didn't even own slippers until I got to China but with all these "no feet touching the floor" customs or rituals or whatever they are, I got myself a pair.... Ya know to fit in. My feet are like size 8 and the chinese wear size 3 or thereabouts, so shes just flip floppin around the apartment like sasquatch. I think we'll be fine without her. We have a mop in the closet thats somewhat crusty...but nothing that a good soak in hot water can't revive and some blue liquid. We can't read the label on the blue stuff but Shawn and I both refer to it as windex. What else could it be:)

This is the way its been going for us lately with the "working class" here in China.  With the Olympics coming to an end things seem to be "back to normal" here and we have become acquainted with three or so beggars that cruise our neighborhood. Shawn and I think they are in the Asian pan handler Union because they all use the same cup to collect spare change. Is there a wholesale club that I haven't found yet. In any event, we are an obvious target for this kind of thing because we are Westerners. A couple are quite pushy and shake their can in our faces which invariably causes me to refuse to give them anything. I believe in good customer service...no matter what the situation. So, theres one guy...gives us that gesture, ya know the thumbs up. He never shakes his can at me, smiles at the baby etc. Plus he wears a cool hat and has a fu man chu.  Shawn and I agree...hes our guy.  So, we are out walking the other night and here he comes.  Shawn pulls out his pocket change and tosses it into the can.  We continue to the corner to wait for the light to change. As we stand on the corner with the 8 thousand other people waiting to cross the street, I shit you not...the bum comes running down the street after us yelling bu yao, bu yao! That translates roughly to "don't need/don't want". He apparently was not happy with his tip and was so insulted that he chased us down the street to give it back! Apparently we are having a little difficulty with the exchange rate and Shawn can't really say for sure if he gave him 5 cents or fifty bucks.  So, now we feel so bad that everytime we see him, Shawn practically empties his wallet into the can. We may have him over to dinner this week and if things work out....you guessed it. Maybe the offer a of job. My new ayi!

You may have noticed by now that we are experiencing some culture shock. There are so many things we still don't understand. For instance, by this time I am getting really good with the chopsticks, I mean really good. When the waitstaff offer me a spoon for eating things like peas I always respond "bu yao" (don't need/don't want). I can eat a whole bowl of rice with those things, one grain at a time. Still, no matter how skilled I have become, invariably something gets away from me. See, typically the host at dinner orders several plates of food which are shared among the diners. So, you don't just have to get the food in your mouth with the chopsticks, first you have to get it from the serving bowl in the center of the table to your plate...and then your mouth. Today we are having a lovely lunch with some of Shawn's associates from the office. One of the main dishes is dumplings and they are covered in flavored oil. They are scrumptious but slippery and not for the novice chopstick user. Half way through lunch I lost my concentration and one got away. By got away, I mean it landed one half inch west of my plate, then on a clean napkin which layed over a clean linen white table cloth that we watched them put freshly on the table just moments before. When I went to retrieve it, however, shock and horror on the faces of our fellow diners plus a slight elbow nudge from Shawn.  What...no five second rule?  Apparently this slight infraction had "tainted" the dumpling beyond revival.... it was officially out of bounds! Who knew! Please note however, that it would have been perfectly acceptable to throw a cigarette butt on the floor, to then spit a lugee for distance and follow up by pulling down Olivia's pants so she could pee under the table. So, I let the dumpling sit through the remainder of our meal and when our hosts got up to pay the check, I picked it up with my fingers, ate it and then licked my fingers.....twice. It was scrumptious!

Rear Window

Chinese Proverb: Love your neighbor, but don't tear down the fence

Ya know the Alfred Hitchcock thriller, "Rear Window".  Well heres a thriller for you... I can see an actual rear out my window!  Recently, I can't help but notice that there is a man running around bare ass in the apartment directly adjacent to my kitchen window and its really putting me off my dinner....even my spicy ramen noodles!

I first noticed it about four nights ago while grabbing a snack. A rather large man (particularly by Chinese standards!) was strutting around his apartment in tight red bikini underwear.  I immediately yelled for Shawn who came to join me for a look.  "Hey, its ugly naked guy...ya know from Friends" he says. Then he went on to explain that he had learned at the office today that this date was a holiday much like the American's Valentines Day.  Oh.. of course, that explains the red skivvies, not where my box of chocolates is. But~I digress!

Next night, same thing teeny, tiny scivvies.....except this time they are blue.  So I'm thinking how long does this holiday last? Again, I grab Shawn for a second opinion.  Well, he says...being the eternal optimist.."its hot, maybe they don't have air conditioning".  OK, but his wife somehow managed to throw a blouse on!  

Next night, Shawn calls me to the window!  Naked guy has a friend over and guess what...hes naked too.  Its a naked party!  The wife is there as well..shes making tea..how nice.  

I really do have a very clear view, particularly since that ayi cleaned the windows!  

Suddenly, the wife looks up and I think.....catches me looking at her husband.  I really was staring. Its like a car crash...you can't look away.  And, plus I have no English speaking television, so this is it for me.  Now they may not be able to afford air conditioning...but either they can afford an ayi too or this lady does windows, cause she can obviously see me clearly and shes lookin right at me.  I am like one of two non-Asian women living on this block and I don't think I am gonna be too hard to pick out of a line up at the playground! So, I do what any respectable woman in my position would do....I hit the floor..crouching tiger hidden dragon style and crawl out of the kitchen.  

Emily Post's Post

Chinese Proverb: If you bow at all, bow low.

The Chinese traditionally do not use diapers. Instead, children wear "split pants". Imagine pants where someone forgot to sew the inside seams of each leg together. These pants allow their bums to hang out and then apparently the children just let it fly wherever, whenever!

Aware of this custom, before we arrived, I took precautions for Olivia and shipped over about 50 boxes of pampers. Still, I was kinda looking forward to seeing some of the little children running around in their split pants. The pictures on the Internet all looked so cute with babies mooning everybody. The only thing is that now that I'm here, all I seem to be encountering is the "no pants look"! There are little hineys everywhere...on the subway, in restaurants, and recently I spotted a bare ass sitting in the grocery cart at the local market. Now how'd ya like to put your fresh fruit in that! No wonder you can't eat anything here. I have also spotted some little boys wearing these numbers that are open in the back and also have a big hole in the front that allows all their junk to hang out....coming and going. It looks like some weird wrestling costume and has a piece of dental floss holding the whole thing together. I cant help but wonder why their parents bothered to dress them at all. The few kids that are wearing bloomers have no problem dropping them and doing their business wherever. And, some of these kids are not exactly infants. For me, public urination begins to loses its appeal when the child is old enough to drive to the bathroom!

Another custom in China that I can't help but notice is the spitting! Women, Men....it matters not, are spitting on the sidewalks, on the subways and believe it or not in restaurants. Initially, I was a little self conscious about my chopstick etiquette as I was not particularly graceful with them at first. I really wanted to learn to use them, however, so I declined the frequent offers for a fork. During our first few meals, I would accidentally fling a noodle here or there and look to see if anyone noticed that I was picking it up with my fingers. Apparently not...they were too busy slurping soup from the mouth of their bowl then snorting and aiming lugees across the restaurant. It was then that I figured a few spilled noodles was no big deal and that the 5 second rule must surely apply here. The other day, Shawn and I were sitting in a restaurant and following and episode of that familiar sound, chhhk....pffooey, he asked if I was getting used to the spitting, which is kinda like asking if you are getting used to an itchy rash on your ass!

Now with all this pissing and spitting, the Chinese being meticulous people, are very particular about removing their shoes when they enter a home. In fact, several times I have witnessed people having what appears to be a stroke when Olivia picks something up off of the ground outdoors, "ohh no... dirty, dirty". Point taken, but I still can't help but think....."then stop shitting and spitting everywhere!". In any event, one of Shawn's coworkers popped over for a quick visit the other day. I like her very much and I know we would be fast friends if she could speak a little more English or I could speak a little more Chinese. Anyhoo, I invited her in and she came to the foyer and then pointed to her shoes. Really, I don't care if she takes her shoes off or not....I have a ayi now! But, I can't communicate that to her and she obviously cares, evidenced by her demeanor and failure to venture any further into the apartment. Still, she makes no attempt to take off her shoes and just stands there looking embarrassed.......so, am I to serve tea in the hallway. Don't know. Now I figure if I walk into the living room, maybe she will follow. Well, sort of. She leaves her shoes on and begins hopping on one foot! Oh, I see....maybe only half the amount of piss and spit from the streets enters your home when you do it that way! What the fuck!!! Needless to say....I am not "buzzing" a lot of visitors up these days..so if you are planning to drop by, please call first!

Wash On, Wash Off

One of the most fascinating things about Beijing is all of the big high rise buildings that house the millions of people that live in this city.  There are no homes or neighborhoods like the ones we are familiar with in the states.  To see this city, you must look upward.  And as you look upward you find that all of these thousands of apartments anywhere you look have one thing in common, a big front sun facing window with laundry hanging to dry...... like curtains from Bed, Bath and Far Beyond!  

Shawn and I have the same strange aparatus in our living room window.  It consists of two long poles running the length of our front window.  It has a pulley system so that those of us with a shorter stature can crank it down to hang our duds and then proudly hoist it back up high so that they can dry for the day in full view of the world.  It looks like something from cirque du soleil!  Its so stinkin funny, I can actually look up and see Shawn's underwear from the playground! 

People from Shawn's office sometimes drop by the apartment and I have to stop myself from running to the window to pull down our unmentionables. Shawn assures me that it is totally acceptable that they are there in full view.  Still, I am just so grateful that I went shopping and "upgraded" a few pairs of my drawers before we left for our trip!

It does not end with the windows, however. You can walk along the streets and see comforters and towels draped over fences, on park benches....wherever.  I recently did some browsing at a lovely little sidewalk sale.....only to find out that it was someones laundry drying.  And, yes I did notice that everything was the same size. I thought it was haute couture!

Last Wednesday I was waiting patiently for Lil Kim, you know our housekeeper (ayi) to arrive for her weekly appointment. Well, when I rushed to answer a knock at the door, I found that Lil Kim's grandmother had shown up instead. I get it, the agency is going to send a new person every week. Lucky me!

This new woman seemed lovely though and she greeted me with the usual smile and many many words that I did not understand.  Having learned from my mistakes, I had suitable towels and rags for cleaning at the ready.  Then, I grabbed her gently by the arm so that I could point out Olivia who was sound asleep in one of the bedrooms. The ayi smiled and gave me the thumbs up. Many of the older generation here give Shawn and I that gesture as we walk through the streets and frankly it beats any gestures I had been receiving at home. 

So, off she went to clean. Still, not being particularly comfortable with having a housekeeper and not being sure what to do with myself while she is scrubbing,  I went off to the computer room to send emails to some of you.  Because I am unable to express what I would like the housekeeper to clean I kinda get what I get. The hardwood floors really needed to be cleaned because somehow the smog and funk make their way inside despite the closed windows.  I thought she would do this because 20 something had done so last week. This particular lady had other ideas however and headed right for the windows to clean in between the sills.  She showed me what she planned to do by doing the Karate Kid "wash on, wash off move". We are not exactly living in the Emporer's Palace and who can say when the window sills were last cleaned so I figured have at it....the floors can wait.  I was looking forward to getting a clear view of the city from my newly cleaned windows when she ran into the computer room giving me the stink eye and waving her filthy rag to show me the dirt she had removed.  After she did this for the second time, I grabbed my bible, "Mandarin Chinese for Dummies" and tried to find the words for "hey lady that isnt my dirty shit....we just got here"!  But there were no words and I had to just smile and nod...yes, yes it is my filthy mess.  

Shortly after, Olivia woke from her nap. I picked her up and brought her over to the ayi so that she could get a good look. The ayi smiled and reached out to touch Olivia's hand.  

Just then the unimaginable happened.  In a moment of East meets West chatter, in which neither of us could understand the other....the ayi decided to play charades and reached out and grabbed my boob, not once but twice!  After I picked my jaw up off of the floor, I realized that I was not about to receive the happy ending that Shawn had been hoping for. Instead, this woman shared the strangely inappropriate and apparently universal fascination about baby diets and was trying to inquire about whether or not Olivia was being breast fed. 

I so don't get this...in my lifetime I have seen thousands of babies with their mothers..... and their snacking habits have never crossed my mind.  Even though I am in the club now,  I swear, I see a baby and I don't care if they are sucking on a boob or a forty ounce!

Confucianism & the Art of Cooking

Chinese Proverb: No rice, No wife to cook

Meaning: Without the right material, no matter how good you are, you may not accomplish the task.

Today was Shawn's first full day at the office. So, I settled in with the baby to enjoy this rainy but pleasantly cool day. What to make for breakfast? Many of the Chinese breakfasts I have enjoyed in restaurants include items not traditional to American breakfasts.  For example, locals can typically be seen eating noodles and soups first thing in the morning. 

So, when in Rome...........I had recently purchased some instant soup noodles, similar to ramen noodles but in questionable flavors. I had found one with a picture of beef and cilantro on the front and the package read "taste very good". Well, I was sold!  Granted it was 9am but somehow it seemed right! 

If you have ever eaten ramen noodles you know they come with two ingredients, a clump of dried noodles and a packet of salty goodness to add.  Not so here! There is a clump of dried noodles and about 7 packets of.....well, I'm not really sure. So, I proceeded to make the soup. I added several of the curious packets but not all....I am new here after all....taking it slow. And then I sat down to enjoy my breakfast. Oh mother of god! It was a big bowl of pain! When I say it was a bit spicy...its like saying I am a bit short and sexy!  Memo to the food industry: surely there must be a universal symbol for very fucking hot!  When I order take out at home, I dont know what half the stuff is either, but the menu has little red peppers next to the spicy stuff. No translation required. In this case only a picture of Diablo himself holding a pitchfork with flames shooting from his ass would be an accurate portrayal of my breakfast! Bon Apetite!

This has pretty much been our experience cooking at home. Mind you, we have no oven and three gas top burners, two of which work.  There are many wonderful grocery stores here and we go shopping almost daily as we can only buy as much as we can carry. No automobile! 

Still, it is proving to be a bit of a challenge.  The stores have everything...yet they have nothing that I have ever seen before. 

Now right out of the gate you have to eliminate most fruits and veggies here if you are not a local. The rule of thumb for visitors is, you have to be able to peel it or boil it to eat it. Luckily, we have found lovely bananas and peppers etc. which have become a staple for us. Now here, you fill a bag with fruits or vegetables and then bring it to a separate counter where a woman weighs and tags it for checkout. Sounds simple enough but its very crowded in Beijing and that translates to the shopping as well. I find that every time I go someone or another is pushing me, cutting ahead of me, holding their bag of bananas up higher than mine.  Jejus, I used to mosh at the QE2, surely I can take a couple of old chinese ladies with their hands full of fruit. So, the other day I prepared myself and told Shawn to "wait here".  I snapped my gum a few times and headed over to the counter elbows out, bananas up....and we will wait to have our fruit weighed no longer!

The deli/meat counter at the grocery store is not an option at the moment either, because frankly Shawn and I are afraid of it! Its not like you can walk into this place and buy a pound of hamburger. You can, however, buy duck heads, black skinned chickens, a variety of unrefridgerated eggs, grubs (at least I think thats what they are) and live turtles. I didn't bring my recipe for turtle soup and the ramen noodles hurt...so we are pretty much screwed~!  They also have a section with decorative pots with lids..think Asian salad bar. I lifted up one of the lids....oh my...even Shawn let out a little yip. Have you seen Fear Factor?

I would, however, be remiss if I did not mention some of the lovely food discoveries we have made thus far.  McDonalds Filet-O-Fish is made with wasabi mayo, Lime & Mint Lays potato chips, Almond juice......scruptious. And, ps they sell beer by the can here!